Wednesday, June 19, 2013

SPOILER ALERT: SUPERMAN MOVIE: This Post Has Nothing To Do With My Texas Issues....but I gotta put it somewhere....

Last night I decided to join my family of dudes and go see Superman at the cinema.  Was I excited? Uh, is it cold in Texas? No, of course I wasn't excited, but always being the "no" mom, I decided to suck it up and try and enjoy the six hour (?) picture.  See, I can be a "yes" mom!

About six minutes in my mind began to wander.  Did I leave a candle on at home?  Was I supposed to call my dad today? Why am I wearing capri pants? I'm too damn short to wear capri pants.  Well, in my defense, it is blazing hot and humid, so it allows for a little bit of breathing room for my Hungarian ankles.  Oh, look, Russell Crowe. I didn't know he was in this film.

So I started thinking....(Shut up, I can hear what you are thinking), maybe it would be fun to share a few things that were going through my little head as I tried to act engaged in yet another dude movie.  I decided to grab a napkin off my cute husband's knee and jot down some of what was going through my mind.  Ok so, it's not my best work.  When I pulled the napkin out this morning to look at all my musings, I realized that 90 % of it is not legible. The Hell? I'll share a pic of the great let down later, but for now, I'll try and find some of the salvaged thoughts. 

I won't explain, I'll just let my inner dialogue speak for itself.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, Superman...from one chick's point of view...

Hmmm..I didn't know Russell Crowe was in this. He's not half bad here. Probably trying to make up for that Les Mis disaster.

What is my kid laughing at? He's literally crying laughing.  Sush him, honey, he's gonna annoy the leaner in people behind us.  What's he laughing at?  Oh, that's right, they showed a baby's junk. 

Ok, who's with me? This new Superman looks like the Train dude.  I've been trying to figure it out since "grown up" Superman made his appearance.

Hmm...nice new costume. Love the built in boots.  Wonder what that cape fabric is?

Hold up, this Lois Lane is being played by Amy Schumer?  **For the asshats out there, I do realize it's Amy Adams.

Ok, wait, now is this Cowboy Curtis, or the other guy that looks like Cowboy Curtis?  Damn, I will live my whole life confusing these guys.

Are those wrinkles on Diane Lane real?  Yeah, probably not, but I am enjoying seeing lines again on a woman in a movie.

Hey, whatever happened to Clark Brandon?  Now *THAT* guy was Superman hot.
...(then I remembered I had seen him when I lived in L.A. in a restaurant once...with a much older woman, and the woman wasn't even a hot older woman. It was all so surreal, since even though my bestie Marilyn had Scott Baio all over her room, my wallpaper of choice was the blue eyed Clark Brandon)

Kevin Costner is still beautiful.

Hold up - that's a different dog than the one from the tornado....but I thought that dog lived?  What happened to the dog?!

Oh crap. The "You are not Alone" thing just sealed the fate tonight that our 1st grader will once again not be sleeping in his own bed tonight.  (Thank you Ashley for telling me that the movie Coraline was "cute" and that my little guy would "love it" Yes, about 4 years later, we finally watched Coraline, and all I can say is, that shit was creepy! So I don't blame my son for not wanting to sleep alone that night.)

Oh Superman, I can't help but think that my Andy Cohen would love love  love you, hunty.

Ow, my ears hurt!

Oh so *that's* who General Zod looks like! The military dude from The Bachelor who is having second thoughts about Des.

Oh right. Like you'd wear stiletto heels in the desert. Nice try Lois. I'm not buying it.

On second thought. Cute outfit girl. Kind of Annie Hall meets Heidi Klum, if Heidi wore more suits or had to act like a cop in a CSI episode.

I really need to start dressing better.  WAHM's at SAHM's aren't really motivated to get out of the yoga pants, but I need to go back to the days of dressing for hotness, and not dressing poorly because it's hot.

Hold up, speaking of CSI, whattya know? That's the CSI dude there in the command center.  Wait, did he have a kissing scene with Kathy Griffin once, or was that a girl on girl almost kiss? 

Ok, kinda diggin' the girl power of the bad guy girl.

Where is the phone booth?

Hee..that plastic see through head piece that looks like something from Daiso is not that flattering Amy. The other chick looks better. Sorry.

Ok whew, it's almost over. Mom is dragging our her beloved belongings, even the family photo album has been saved. Yay! It must be over.

Aw's not over.

Ow, my ears hurt!

This rumbling loud soundtrack is rattling my bum and irritating the popcorn in my colon.

Hey dude behind us, quit leaning over our seats.  Creepy.

Ok, it's calm. It must be over!

No, it's not over. like a bad slasher film, no one that you think is dead is really dead. They keep coming back!
Wait, I thought he worked for the paper? Like in a "I'll put my glasses on and no one will know it's me" kind of way...  They sure are taking liberties with this story line.

Ow, my ears hurt!

Is it over?

Oh damn Sears. Good luck trying to find a purple washer and dryer like mine now, neighbors!

Rumbling, rumbling, explosions, fighting.  My vertigo is seriously in danger of getting launched.

Pow, boom, explosion.

What the hell time is it? I'm like one of those bad moms, my little kid is in here and it must be midnight by now.

Pow, boom, explosion, blah blah blah....

Hold up, I think I just saw Elizabeth Hasslebeck in that crowd of extras in the NYC chaos. 

And wait, is Metropolis really New York City?  Is Gotham New York City? Call it what you want, we all know it's New York City.

Aw, now Bachelor just "bitch stole my look"ed him.  I still prefer the blue.

Wait, who's Mary?

Oh, love how you were all butt hurt having to go help Cowboy Curtis save Jenny, office dude. Man up.

And it's the dude that looks like my friend Grant's dad, even though I never met Grant's dad For the Win! Way to save the world unsuspecting character actor!

Aww, how embarrassing, all your office mates are watching you guys make out.

Oh, so he is gonna work for the paper?

Dumbasses at work - are ya'll seriously acting like you don't know new guy is Superman? He's wearing fake glasses and didn't use his hair product? That's all it takes?

Wait, is it over?

Creepy guy behind us still isn't leaving.

We sure it's over?

Ow my ears hurt.

Is there a Sister's of the Traveling pants sequel coming out soon?  Steel Magnolias?  Anything that might give a dude a period?  I'm sure my sweet husband will happily give me his notes which will no doubt be taken and reported back to me. 

"I knew we lost Mommy after the first four minutes"...said my guy.

Actually, no. It was six minutes. I'm not a total jerk.

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