Thursday, May 24, 2012

If You Ain't Texas, You Ain't S#*!

But she's been so polite with her observations so far, how could she write this? Traitor! Bubba, get your gun...

OK, this could be the post that offends the most, but I wouldn't be authentic if I didn't address this longhorn in the room.  Can someone please explain to me why Texas has to remind me that I'm in Texas, like EVERYWHERE I turn?  There are TEXAS edition trucks.  There is a  historic yet strangely written Texas pledge that is recited in my son's elementary school. (The first time I attended a weekly assembly I had been told how cute it is and how it would uplift my morning by attending.  I can't put my finger on it, but there was something vaguely brain washy about it.  I was uncomfortable.  This is where the Texas pride, I suppose, gets into our children's minds and establishes them as proud Texans for life.  I know, I know, my friend count just went down as I write this, but it is my truth.) (I so want to write "so suck it", here, but that just wouldn't be very lady like.) There are Texas branded bar stools in 8/10 homes here. Patio furniture? Must have the Texas star in iron on it to pass muster.  There are more Texas flags  here than roadkill, and trust me, that's a lot of flags. Funny story about the flags everywhere.  My good friend's friend came out to visit her from San Francisco.  She asked my friend, "What is the deal, why are there so many banks out here?"  To which my confused friend answered, "Oh, honey, those aren't banks, we just put flags everywhere out here." 

Now lest you forget, I am indeed a born Texan.  I still tear up at military homecomings, little children selling lemonade from their front yards, and the beauty of a perfectly grilled T-bone.  That said, I think you might not realize how intimidating you can be with your pride. Please give us newbies and  homecomers a little adjustment time. Maybe we'll get there. I mean, we'll get there.  I know I should expect no less from a state that yearly tries to secede from the rest of the union.  When I was a little girl growing up in Texas, I remember a bumper sticker sentiment that stuck with me through the years.  "If you ain't Texas, you ain't shit."  I'm not even going to start with the proper grammar thing, because I'm no English teacher, but that just doesn't make you sound very smart people!  More to the point, maybe I don't want to be *shit*.  Is that so wrong? 

Maybe I just don't understand Texas as a brand.  I did however, really love your Don't Mess with Texas anti-littering campaign.  The problem is you've seemed to take a clever ad and turned it into a shove it down your throat way of life here. I get it. I live in Texas. I'm reminded of that everyday when I see deers being mounted as art in living rooms, when I feel the sting of a mosquito on my leg, and when I hear good old boy cement pond builders tell me they need to talk to my husband about the technical plans for the pool because I wouldn't understand them because I probably only worked retail in my past and would probably only understand if we were talking about shopping for shoes. *

*True story.

On the positive side, the actual shape of Texas is pretty cool.  Especially in the form of a waffle.


  1. The one that makes me laugh is the signs on the farm roads, "Drive Slow". I know they're probably made in the prison workshop, but didn't someone proofread the idea? And what's it say about the value of an education when the state government can't be bothered with good grammar?

  2. Hey, I've had those Texas waffles! Fun and tasty!

  3. Hey, where can I get a Texas shaped waffle?!? I want one.

  4. hey there ..., you can find Texas shaped waffles at most local hotel buffets. no kidding.